A View Of Parenting From The Mountaintop
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
At the top of the mountain everything looks different. This past weekend my girls and I watched a gorgeous sunset over the Blue Ridge Mountains. We, nestled in our room at the mountain lodge, happened to be at just the right place outside to observe a magnificent moment- a vivid sunset too beautiful to language. How I wish you could have seen it too.
We observed with silent expectancy as a little at a time the red golden ball disappeared from view. It was the ending of another day and with the ending the hush of evening descended and millions of little twinkly lights appeared in the valley below. The reds in the sky softened to areas of pink and purple before our eyes. In only a matter of minutes our place up on the mountain top was transformed and we experienced the splendor of a very special night. It was an experience that I will remember for a long time.
Quite spontaneously we had climbed in the car on Saturday morning. It had been a long time since we had gone up higher. Somehow on this particular day everything fell into place. We even grabbed an overnight bag and quickly filled it with toothbrushes, pajamas and some clothes. But our plan was really to just spend the day taking a hike and maybe eating a meal on the mountaintop. October is not the time of year to expect any openings at the lodges.
I was looking forward to the time of getting a higher view. Everything looks different from up high. Even parenting looks different. From up high small annoying habits don't seem so, well, annoying. From the mountaintop the bigger picture of parenting is clearer. This is easy to miss in the day to day rush of living. Yes, up higher the goal of raising strong girls with godly characters is more obvious. My desire to see them become all that He wants them to be is even greater from the heights.
Well unexpectedly we found a cozy room to stay in over night. The air was cool and crisp. The scent of fires burning in fireplaces and ripened apples was everywhere. We spent a long time sitting out on our deck watching the lights shining in the valley below. The cool air forced us to grab blankets to wrap around us as we watched and talked long into the night. It was a memorable adventure in which we all got a stronger vision and a greater sense of God's purpose in our lives and in our family.
One thought that struck me again was that we parent for only a season. We love our children for a lifetime.
It all looks different from the mountaintop. Take the time to climb the mountain soon. You'll be so glad that you did. And so will your whole adoptive family.
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Toddler Adoption
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Each adoption is different.
I adopted my two girls from Russia. My oldest was six months old when I brought her home. She adjusted quickly. From the beginning she slept soundly through the night, ate well and enjoyed people. Today at fifteen she still has that easy going personality.
Yes, my first adoption went so well I was not prepared for the difficulties of adopting a toddler. Although I had read books and talked with others who had adopted a toddler even that did not quite prepare me for the struggles we had in the beginning.
Jenny was two when I brought her home from Russia. She turned three the next week and we celebrated with balloons and a big cake. Even though I still remember many wonderful moments I can also remember the difficulty she had adjusting. She slept lightly and woke up numerous times each night. Many times she experienced night terrors. I remember waking up to high pitched screams and running to her room to comfort her.
New experiences were difficult so we went slowly in exposing her to different things. Only eating was a consistent pleasure. Other than that there were constant energy draining struggles. But today she is a well adjusted eight year old who handles change in stride.
What helped me through those difficult days of adjustment? Knowing that it wouldn't last forever. I realized that adjusting is just that. Adjusting. That the present struggle was not a statement about the future. My dear daughter had experienced tremendous loss and pain in her short life before I adopted her. It would take time and consistently meeting her needs to help her heal and grow. I often look back on that period and wonder how we made it. One secret was the determination to take one day at a time. Staying focused on what I could do for just that one day to help her in her growth and adjustment was something I could do. Having a positive mental attitude was something I could develop and maintain.
Using that same skill works well today. We often tell ourselves, "Just for today I can..." Tomorrow will take care of itself.
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The Difference of Adoption
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
"I'm tired of always being different!"
Those words were spoken a few weeks ago by my fifteen year old. They struck me withsuch force the day they were spoken and they still do today.
Different! How teenagers struggle with being different. At a time in their life when they long to belong and fit in being different causes one to feel like the ugly duckling in a poolof ducks. It gives only little comfort to share that one day they will see that those very same differences are part of their uniqueness. It really doesn't help to explain all that is valuable about those differences.
No, maybe the best we can do it so accept the feelings of our teenager and be there for them. Just giving them a place to share their painful feelings is far more valuable then we might ever realize.
I remember feeling quite different as a fifteen year old. Glasses, braces and plain clothes while all my friends seemed to be dressed in more expensive clothing contributed in part to my feelings of being different. I also remember looking at my parents and wondering how in the world I had come to be.
"Am I adopted?" I even asked one day. Even being told no did not really soothe those trouble feelings of being different. Somehow I grew beyond the pain and began to realize how normal this stage is.
But today I have my own fifteen year old who was adopted. Born in Russia she has been with me since she was six months old. In some ways she is different than me. I am glad to admit that. But in many ways we are the same.
In time she too will begin to see that different is ...well different. Not bad or good. Just different. For our family formed by adoption different is a strength. Even our two dogs are different.
How do you handle differences in your family?
Oh Lord, help me to continue to see Your wisdom in differences. Without them how boring this world would be. Please help me to patiently accept the differences in others and in myself.
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Grandparents and Adoption
Saturday, September 13, 2008
This past week we celebrated Grandparents Day and my mind wandered back to the role that grandparents have played in our family. Words can not begin to language my appreciation to them for how they have loved and supported my two daughters.
I'll never forget that time many years ago when I told my parents that I, at 43, was planning to adopt a baby girl from Russia. Even though our relationship was close and they knew for years my deep longing to be a mother, there concern was obvious. Instead of the grand celebration that often accompanies the announcement of a new arrival, there was fear and anxiety. Now as I look back on it I can understand even better than I could at the time.
Single parenting is never easy and it was certainly not my plan for my life. No, I always envisioned the small cottage with a white picket fence, the loving husband and four bouncy children. But my life did not unfold that way. While in my early forties I surrendered all my hopes and plans and I embraced His Plan for my life whatever that might be. Adoption was clearly His plan from the beginning.
But it stretched not only me but also every member in my family particularly my parents. Etched in my memory is the day when I arrived home at Dulles International Airport in Washington, DC with my seven month old daughter from Russia. As soon as my eyes saw my parents who were then both 70 waving excitedly from the side, I knew that they were grandparents in the real sense of the word.
I placed my precious daughter in the arms of my loving Dad and saw him gaze with a look of sheer adoration into the eyes of his first grandchild. A child like no other. The bond is still very deep between them. And my dear mother giggled and fussed when she saw this long awaited grandchild. Yes, God knew from the very beginning what we all needed. He always does.
So this Grandparents Day we celebrated again their loving care and support in both my girls lives. They have been there...at school events, at birthdays, at holidays and even on the most ordinary days. My girls can count on their grandparents. What a tremendous gift to give a child who has nothing. Yes, the gift of loving grandparents is priceless. I hope your adopted children have grandparents too and that you take the time to celebrate them.
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Open Hearts to Orphans
Sunday, September 7, 2008
What a thrill it was this past Thursday to witness in Culpeper, VA an outpouring of love and care for orphans around the world. I'm not sure what moved me the most. The many people who came to the benefit concert of Tim Janis and his Ensemble? The many, many people who donate new shoes for orphans? I heard the local shoe stores were inundated by folks wanting to buy shoes for children. Or was it the many people who stepped forward to help with the benefit itself?
Actually all those things moved me deeply but it was hearing Tim Janis prayfor those children who have nothing and to whom a pair of new shoes will mean everything. That simple prayer touched me the most.
Hearts are continuing to open to the needs of orphans. Hearts are continuing to open to adoption.
Yes, in all we collected over 300 pairs of shoes. We still need to pack and ship them to Texas before they are distributed to orphanages around the world. With each box we will whisper a prayer that God will bless all those precious children. My girls and I are so grateful to have had a small part.
Once more I got a glimpse of the heart of our loving Father. He loves those precious children deeply. He whispers to us to do what we can. It might not seem very big. A pair of shoes. But God will multiply our efforts.
He's already touched many hearts here in Virginia through this benefit. Is he speaking to you? If so listen to Him and be willing to take the next step. You will never regret it.
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The Adopted Child and Loss
Saturday, August 30, 2008
As we raise our adopted children from time to time we might realize their uniqueness. Wonderful as adoption is, it happens as a result of loss. Our children have experienced, whether they remember it or not, loss. And although healing occurs in their life the pain of loss might resurface from time to time. Such was our experience today.
Early this morning we received a call that the seventeen year old daughter of friends of ours had been killed in a car accident. My girls and I were shocked and saddened by the news. We are still trying to accept that painful news and our prayers reach out to all the family and friends. But I saw firsthand for myself again how very sensitive my two girls are to loss. It is a gift but also a vulnerability which they have.
Years ago a few months after I had adopted my youngest we spent the night at a nearby motel. Jenny was a little over 3 year old. As we were watching the movie Spirit all of a sudden she broke forth in wails and deep sobs. At first I had no idea what was going on but then as I observed the story I saw that the young horse had just been separated from its mother. And even though we kept reassuring Jenny that the horses would be reunited in the end she was inconsolable. The pain of loss is excruciating!
So once more we are dealing with loss in our home. The pain which for most would already be difficult can be even more so for an adopted child. Knowing that, I am able to give them the opportunity to process feelings that are beyond words. I can also point them to their loving Father. Our loving Father knows all about our pain and He will heal our hearts as we turn to Him. That makes all the difference. The comfort that we draw upon is an eternal comfort. He continues to pour out His Peace that passeth all understanding. Have you discovered that too? May your day be filled with His Peace and His Eternal comfort.
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Helping You With Adoption Decisions
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
When I first began to explore adoption in 1993 I was amazed by its complexity. It seemed the more I read the more I saw that I needed to know. Today it is even more complex. But with the complexity there is a wealth of information available in the form of books, websites, articles, forums etc.
I'm always interested in reading about adoption as you would see if you scanned my bookshelves. Recently I discovered The Adoption Decision which was so interesting that I had to read it from cover to cover in one sitting. Laura Christianson writes with a wealth of knowledge about adoption including not only her own experience with adoption but also the experiences of others. Her writing style is easy to read and informative. If you have not read this book be sure to put it on your must read list.
I particularly enjoyed the chapter titled "Adoption Miscarriage" having experience my own adoption loss a few years ago in Ukraine. Words can not begin to language how very difficult that was not only for me but also for my oldest daughter who was waiting with anticipation for me to bring home her little sister. Christianson discusses not only the risky business of adoption in realistic terms but also the process of healing and hope.This one chapter alone is worth the price of the book.
Now today let's have some fun. I am giving away for free a signed copy of The Adoption Decision to the first person who sends a comment today. Get those comments coming. This book is a winner!
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Educating Your Adopted Child
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
It's that time of year again! School supplies line the store shelves. Yellow school buses are getting ready. Teachers are meeting. Excitement is in the year. After teaching in the elementary school for over twenty years, I still feel the thrill of a new school year.
But for many of our children including those who have been adopted school does not bring thoughts of challenge and success. Instead just the mention of school brings on waves of emotional upset as a result of previous experiences and frustration.
So how are you educating your adopted child this year? Public? Private? Homeschooling? What is the best way? In truth there is no best way to educate your child. The key is to know your child and to educate him in an environment where he will thrive.
Our family has experienced all of these choices. For some years, we had only one option and that was to use the public school system. The teachers are skilled and the school was close to our home. Both of my girls did well in their years of being educated at the public school. My oldest daughter also went to a private school for four years. There she had a smaller number of students in her class and more individualized help which enhanced her learning. She also made many friends as the whole class moved together to the new grade together.
When my oldest child faced the middle school years and private school was no longer an option we decided to try homeschooling. We agreed to do it for one year with the goal that we both enjoy the year. That one year became four years and we still are enjoying homeschooling. Matter of fact my youngest begged to be homeschooled this year too. It works for well for us giving us time to be together, flexibility and the ability to instill an appreciation for learning. Yes, even though I work full time as a licensed counselor and coach I am still able to homeschool my two daughters in 3rd and 10th grade.
So how will you be educating your adopted child this year? Know your child and choose what works best for them.
Stay tuned for next weeks blog when we will offer Laura Christianson's book "The Adoption Decision" for free to the first one to leave a comment. It might just be you!
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Meeting the Needs of the Adopted Child
Thursday, August 7, 2008
"What can I do?" I often wonder. The needs are so great. There are so many children waiting to be adopted. What can I as one single woman do? The answer continues to ring within my soul. Do what you can?
"What can I do?" many adoptive parents say. Although they love their adopted child they often feel beyond their strength and ability to cope. The answer is still the same. Do what you can?
It is all too easy to focus on what you can't do. You can't change the past particularly what your child experienced. You can't change the genes. No, that is set in place. You can't change ....Well the list can go on and on. And as the list grows the fears and worries of not being able to cope mount too.
So, let's change the focus. What can you do? You can begin to accept what you cannot change. You can begin to change what you can. Like what, you might be asking. Well, you can increase your support system. You can increase your resources with the help of doctors, counselors and coaches who have expertise with adopted children. You can get more information on the issues you are dealing with. You can increase focused attention on your adopted child. You can learn some skills in building a healthy family which is focused on the needs of your adopted child and the other members. Yes, you can.
Wow, something happens the more one's attitude becomes positive and solution focused. It is as if one gets in alignment with the Answer and things begin to change. I remember the mother who was simply at her wits end trying to manage the anger of her 3 year old who had been adopted a few months before and the needs of her older sibling whose family system had changed. As soon as this mother took intentional steps to become solution focused things began to slowly change.
Yes, I remember because that mother was me. It all began with a change in my heart and mind but it changed everything. So, what can you do? Do what you can!!
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When It Doesn't Work Out
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
What do you say to the one who adopted but failed in their efforts to parent their child?
This is a question that was asked me a few days ago. It was obviously a painful subject for the one who raised the question. It calls for a wise response. Many times parents adopt and are thrilled with their children. But every once in a while you hear the story of a sad case where no matter what the parent did it didn't seem to be enough. The adoption gets terminated and other arrangements are made for the child. These stories all too often get more press than the many rewarding stories but we can't deny the fact that some children are so wounded that it takes skills and interventions which are beyond the ability of most parents. Yes, with the right skills and professional advice many of these children can experience tremendous help. But this does not always happen. And what do you say to the parent who is still blaming herself years afterwards?
Most parents do love their child. Most parents who adopt really love their child. But even though the motive was right, and the desire to adopt was good, they did not realize how great the needs of the child were or how demanding it would be. The last few years we have grown in our understanding of the needs of the adopted child. There is a growing list of professionals who have expertise in working with these children. There is an increasing number of books, magazine articles, support groups and coaching which did not exist years ago.
That is all to say that we must accept ourselves and our human failings knowing that there is One Who does know all things. We must receive the forgiveness that is freely offered for all our failures and trust His Higher Purpose. His Grace gives us the ability to leave all of our painful questions and endless soul-searching and live today with freedom.
Could it be that that parent was the pathway for that child? And although they had hoped and anticipated raising the precious child, they must now accept their choices and decisions of the past. There is One Who understands us so much better than we understand ourselves. We must leave everything with Him...all our sorrows and all our pain. He will take those painful memories and make something very beautiful in our lives as we let Him. I believe that. Do you?
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