When It Doesn't Work Out
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
What do you say to the one who adopted but failed in their efforts to parent their child?
This is a question that was asked me a few days ago. It was obviously a painful subject for the one who raised the question. It calls for a wise response. Many times parents adopt and are thrilled with their children. But every once in a while you hear the story of a sad case where no matter what the parent did it didn't seem to be enough. The adoption gets terminated and other arrangements are made for the child. These stories all too often get more press than the many rewarding stories but we can't deny the fact that some children are so wounded that it takes skills and interventions which are beyond the ability of most parents. Yes, with the right skills and professional advice many of these children can experience tremendous help. But this does not always happen. And what do you say to the parent who is still blaming herself years afterwards?
Most parents do love their child. Most parents who adopt really love their child. But even though the motive was right, and the desire to adopt was good, they did not realize how great the needs of the child were or how demanding it would be. The last few years we have grown in our understanding of the needs of the adopted child. There is a growing list of professionals who have expertise in working with these children. There is an increasing number of books, magazine articles, support groups and coaching which did not exist years ago.
That is all to say that we must accept ourselves and our human failings knowing that there is One Who does know all things. We must receive the forgiveness that is freely offered for all our failures and trust His Higher Purpose. His Grace gives us the ability to leave all of our painful questions and endless soul-searching and live today with freedom.
Could it be that that parent was the pathway for that child? And although they had hoped and anticipated raising the precious child, they must now accept their choices and decisions of the past. There is One Who understands us so much better than we understand ourselves. We must leave everything with Him...all our sorrows and all our pain. He will take those painful memories and make something very beautiful in our lives as we let Him. I believe that. Do you?
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The Need Is So Great
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
As my girls and I are preparing for the Shoes For Orphan Souls benefit we have been talking a lot about their adoption stories. Each one was very different. Each one was precious. I am so grateful that I have had the opportunity to adopt. Sometimes people ask me if I would ever adopt again and the answer is always the same. Absolutely!
Together we watched a DVD last night in which we saw orphans around the world receiving the new shoes which were donated by so many people. You could just see the glow in the children's' eyes as they put on their new shoes. We all had wet eyes just seeing the impact.
I remember that time a few years ago when I first met Jenny in the orphanage in Kostroma, Russia. After meeting and talking to her for awhile I handed her the little pair of pink shoes that I had brought. Those shoes had a story of their own to tell. They were empty and waiting for little feet. Well Jenny took those shoes with delight. She immediately sat on the floor, pulling off the worn brown shoes which were on her feet and began to put on the pink shoes. In a matter of seconds she had both shoes on and was walking back and forth around the room with pride. You could just see the difference that those shoes meant to her. They seemed to say to her in a way that she could finally understand "Jenny, you are special." Language barriers were broken down. The shoes connected my heart with her heart.
So once more we are busy buying new shoes for other orphans around the worlds. It's different this time. We know the need. Yes, it is great. But a simple pair of new shoes will touch a child's life in a way that they will always remember. Check out shoesfororphansouls@buckner.org Maybe your family would find this ministry one that you would like to embrace. If so, let me know if I can help in anyway.
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Bright Encounters
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Life is strange, isn't it? You can be having a perfectly ordinary day and then something happens. Something that you know is unusual. And it changes everything. One such bright encounter happened to me a few weeks ago.
My two girls and I went to York Beach, Maine to spend a few days. We have been doing this for so many years that it has become our home away from home. Having no car we walk everywhere. Yes, we begin the day by walking Long Sands Beach looking for sand dollars and then we walk to Golden Rod for a lovely lunch. After visiting Whispering Sands and a few other shops, we continue our walk by going to Browns Ice Cream and buy sumptuous ice cream cones. We then proceed to Nubble Light House and sit, take a few pictures and talk. Finally when the afternoon begins to wane we walk with the wind in our hair all the way back to our room. Day after day we walk and talk. Sometimes we wave to other walkers. Other times we just enjoy the magical atmosphere of this part of the Maine coast.
As I walked past Nubble Light House this year I remembered the time seven years ago when Tim Janis, well known composer and pianist, performed there. From the moment I heard his music my soul was deeply touched. As the waves splashed against the rocks it was as if all the beauty and joy of life came together in his music. Words can not begin to describe how it impacted me.
Well, this year while I was in Maine, I happened to speak with Bill Thomson, writer and author of numerous books. He mentioned having seen Tim Janis lately. One thing led to another. One email led to a phone call which then led to a concert scheduled in my hometown. Yes, Tim Janis has graciously offered to perform in Culpeper, Virginia on September 4, 2008 for a fund raiser to collect shoes for orphans. My heart is deeply touched by his willingness to support the needs of orphans around the world. It will be a night in which his music will be used to touch so many lives in an unforgettable way.
I'll share more as we get closer to the date but for now please know that bright encounters do happen. In a moment an ordinary encounter becomes extraordinary and you know that it is God.
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Adding a Second Child
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
"What do we do?" the anxious woman said to me. "We had always considered adding to our family. Someday. We are so happy with our little girl who is now three. But now we are thinking about adopting. What do you think?"
In this case there were many dynamics to consider. First, there daughter was an only child. A child long desired and anticipated. She enjoyed having that special place in her parents' heart and lives. To add another child by adoption would change the family dynamics. That is not necessarily good or bad. It just is. Facing the reality helps one deal with it with wisdom and patience.
How would this couple handle the aspect of one child being theirs biologically and the other being adopted? It was something to think about honestly before they jumped into it.
Another question that is always wise to consider is the background of the child. What is known about the birth parents? Why are they seeking to have the baby adopted? How would you deal with possible unknowns? Would this be an open or closed adoption?
There are many things to consider when thinking about adopting another child. I have seen many times that the family is incredibly blessed by adding another child. On the other hand there are cases where parents moved too quickly and later regretted their decision. It is a lot to think about. Remember, it is your family. Only you can decide what will be beneficial for your family.
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Seeing Adoption Everywhere
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Interest in adoption is growing! Recently my girls and I vacationed in Maine. I was amused and also encouraged to see stories of adoption there. Yes, it seems that wherever I turn my attention these days there is another story of people who have committed themselves to building their family by adoption.
Since my oldest daughter who was adopted from Russia in 1993 has darker skin our family sometimes raises questions to the on-looker. The neat thing is that since we are comfortable talking about our family other people also seem to share more freely their family stories. Adoption is a common theme today. There are so many positive stories it will take me a life time to share even a few of them.
One story which caught my eyes was the one that hit the front page of the New Hampshire Sunday News on Father's Day. With an eye catching photo accompanying the article it beautifully told the story of Nancy and Chuck Myette's family. Built by adoption and surrounded by love this father of six adopted children listed six keys to being a good father: caring, taking an interest in what the children are doing and who they are, being involved in their lives, supporting them and their individuality and when all else fails always remembering " Life happens: adjust."
Yes, the Myette's clearly state that once they too were afraid but now they hope that their story will inspire other people to adopt. How touching to remember that fears will pass but the love you give away does come back to you. Again and again and again.
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