When It Doesn't Work Out
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
What do you say to the one who adopted but failed in their efforts to parent their child?
This is a question that was asked me a few days ago. It was obviously a painful subject for the one who raised the question. It calls for a wise response. Many times parents adopt and are thrilled with their children. But every once in a while you hear the story of a sad case where no matter what the parent did it didn't seem to be enough. The adoption gets terminated and other arrangements are made for the child. These stories all too often get more press than the many rewarding stories but we can't deny the fact that some children are so wounded that it takes skills and interventions which are beyond the ability of most parents. Yes, with the right skills and professional advice many of these children can experience tremendous help. But this does not always happen. And what do you say to the parent who is still blaming herself years afterwards?
Most parents do love their child. Most parents who adopt really love their child. But even though the motive was right, and the desire to adopt was good, they did not realize how great the needs of the child were or how demanding it would be. The last few years we have grown in our understanding of the needs of the adopted child. There is a growing list of professionals who have expertise in working with these children. There is an increasing number of books, magazine articles, support groups and coaching which did not exist years ago.
That is all to say that we must accept ourselves and our human failings knowing that there is One Who does know all things. We must receive the forgiveness that is freely offered for all our failures and trust His Higher Purpose. His Grace gives us the ability to leave all of our painful questions and endless soul-searching and live today with freedom.
Could it be that that parent was the pathway for that child? And although they had hoped and anticipated raising the precious child, they must now accept their choices and decisions of the past. There is One Who understands us so much better than we understand ourselves. We must leave everything with Him...all our sorrows and all our pain. He will take those painful memories and make something very beautiful in our lives as we let Him. I believe that. Do you?
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